A new Chapter January 2024

I have decided to post all my writings and have this area-home for the writings of my heart. I will copy what I am able and work on these pieces throughout the year!

LIVING ON THE OUTSIDE BUT HAVING A FRONT ROW SEAT

I am afraid to live and yet, I am more afraid to die.

I am afraid to live and yet, I am more afraid to die. It scares me to think that I need to care for myself past 70. People are living much longer today. When they pass away at a later age, the world has drastically changed. The changes today are faster and quicker than ever before.

As a child, we had television but it was black and white. When the color television entered the world, my parents purchased a beautiful console. The TV guide (which we all lived by) had C for color after the limited shows that were in color. The TV Repair man was our best friend. He came several times a year, to change one of the three bulbs that produced the color for our television screens. The Milkman came with delicious bottles of milk. The milkman and mailman were a joke for all families when one of their children did not resemble either the father ! The fuller brush man sold our families tools to clean the house. (yes he was on the that same list of potential fathers!) We had several home visits. Of course one was Jehovah’s Witness which we always asked not to stay long. The Encylopedia salesman visited us just at the right time. We used these encyclopedias to look up history and school projects. Every movie that was made from history, we looked up the story in the encyclopedia. I remember the Birdman of Alcatraz. Not only was that a memorable movie, but the encyclopedia had a full and thorough story. It was a big deal having a carton for UNICEF to collect pennies on Halloween night with our candy handout. How did our pets live? They had a couple of toys and meager dog food. We even had to warm our food without a microwove!

The rich had soda fountains in their at home bars. They even had a special faucet that filled your cub with hot water!

Did I just put reading glasses in the bathroom basket?!

I often ask why is my life so difficult, hard actually? I am not alone in this feeling, or in the life I wake up to everyday. I actually woke up from a good sleep and the last item in my dream I was on a special trip with hundreds of people. We had groups of people divided for activities. There was one slot machine I heard someone I knew slightly clicking the wins of coins. Watching her leave I immediately went to play. Without luck- no cling cling cling. Not even a quarter win. Did I emote this in my dream of what my life consists of?

Why am I afraid to Die:

I do not want to have loose ends. I do not want to have a family member that I will not name, slam me and make a spectacle of me while I was alive. I have done so much to keep my parents safe and living comfortably and well. I have been consumed with them from 2010 to present. Which is May September 202`- – That is a very long time in my lifetime. I stepped off the Cancer Train and right into the care of my parents. The decisions that I had to make were life threatening decisions. The care was full on – 24/7 without a morsel of time for me.

The good feeling about this Mother’s Day is that I do not have to purchase a card. It was always so difficult finding a mothers day card that did not establish how great she is, or what she did, or anything remotely loving – I do not miss that. I do miss not having children. Or married to a man with children. I miss children. I am a fur mum. With a corgi. How does one consider them self a mom- when it is a demanding incredibly bossy corgi?

She was a cruel individual. I do not remember hugging me or even wanting to watch me learn critical toys for learning development. As I grew over, 15 months later my brother was born. He had all the love and attention that any child should have He was able to play and as he got older, join as many sports events that he could. I was able to do nothing. Clean the house, and clean the house. I did not want my friends to come over because I was embarrassed that I was unloved. I visited a few friends that were so gracious, Mom’s giving them- milk and cookies. Even lunch. I don’t ever remember mother making me lunch or breakfast or even dinner, That was my job —-I just don’t remember she loved me. That is quite a long time to feel unloved by your mother.

She was terribly cruel never saying a kind word to me. Or telling me that I looked pretty. The entire world told me I was a beauty and would break lots of hearts, I thought they were laughing at me and scoffed it off, This is what happens, when you are brought up 18 years of hate and disgust.

I was able to join the swimming team that started at 7 pm. The water was cold and I refused intially to go in the water, But once I was there, it was a new world.. Free from mother’s nasty rath and the break I needed to start the day. I loved taking care of my brother who is 7 years younger than me. HE was so sweet and needy.. And he needed me. I diapered him washed all the clothes and put him to bed.

Mother used to make me put a clothespin on my nose so that it would not grow. I had my father’s nose. Finally when people went to sleep, I took it off. I grew up every day, despising my mother and feeling the hate I will have for the rest of my life.

____________________
Everyday I have a cry. A cry about Dad who I miss horribly. I miss the dad he was 20 years ago- maybe 15. It breaks my heart every time I see him, the dad he is today.

It occurred to me that I am a carbon copy of many others stuggling part time to circle around my sadness and loneliness. I wish to be unique and anoymous

We all have secrets and pasts, and it is unimaginable – that some pasts and secrets are buried. Covered by layers of life.

Small Triumphs! We must acknowledge out small triumphs.

When do we protect ourselves and be honest. Job Interviewing is a difficult task when you have not worked for three years. How honest are you. My profession of mortgage lending is in the category of background checks, fingerprints and credit worthiness. Companies will hire you if you have a half dozen or so loans to bring in and start the process!

My situation is a bit unique. I was honest with my introduction paragraph on my resume. I took care of my aging father and after diagnoses and treatment am not babysitting my cancer diagnosis. Something like that. It was only 4 months ago, but today it feels like a lifetime. I sent resumes to several companies. I did receive call backs from credit unions and advised by a thoughtful HR Manager that I should just say Family Leave and leave the explanations vague. She indicated it was nobody’s business. This advice gave me a lift. I revised my resume under this new direction.

A year ago, I did what I thought was the right thing. I helped an X of 20 years prior because he was down on his luck and going to be homeless soon. He is an alcoholic. I had conditions, and he needed to go to an alcohol treatment center and maintain his sobriety.

A year ago, I made a very large error. I assisted someone who is entitled and is an alcoholic. I have been taken down a very large hole and today, I cannot dig myself out of. I am massively depressed and extremely unhappy. I cannot find joy. I am constantly being tested. He continues to drink and lie. HE was an alcoholic 20 years ago and lied 20 years ago. People do not change. This is his personality, his life. He chooses to be this. I have had to endure the most of the time, with massive amounts of drinking. HE has stolen from me. HE has drank all my alcohol (and still does) and poured water in it. He has used my credit card daily for alcohol. I took it away. I want to get the money he owes me and I want him to leave. I don’t believe I will even call him after he is gone. I want to be so far away from any faint thought of him. One year is a long time. For me, it is a lifetime. At this point in my life, I have an opportunity to enjoy life. The cancer surgeries, taking care of my father with alzheimer’s and securing his future. My house is not a happy home. I am not happy. I have to dissect every word that Jim says syphen whether it is truth or lie. I do not want to live like this. He is not my child, nor do I owe him anything more. I want to be happy, and it is impossible to be happy, I desperately wish

I want to be happy, and it is impossible to be happy, I desperately wish for that peace and happiness back. I desperately wish to spend time with people I will know are speaking the truth and not pulling something behind my back. I desperately wish not to have my home cluttered with this alcoholic liar.

______

I am happy this year that my father still recognizes me. He seems to be enjoying his new life. He is surrounded by many people crossing his path to keep him engaged. I must look after him, to make sure he has the 100 percent care he needs. His feet are of most concern to me because of his nails. Unfortunately as a senior citizen he cannot have the same treatment he used to trim his toenails.

I am happy that the friends I knew that were suffering have left this world. I is a difficult thing to even think, but suffering and knowing you are suffering Is cruel punishment. I believe that God did a mitzvah by taking them.

I am thankful that my energy returned and I can cope understandably with my past symptoms and pain. —–

I have been so busy chronologizing my dad’s history and that I forgot about the times I was a part of his history.

Dad took us to the viewing of President John F. Kennedy when he was laying in state at the Capital. I remember standing in the line backing up to dad. It was so cold. We stayed in line for what seemed an eternity and were frozen. Finally we made the family decision to leave because there was at least as “dad said” hours ahead of us for the viewing. He took us to a local Church and we went into thaw. The Priest had a thick Spanish accent and said “Gaaarrry” this is youur family. Then he took us to the back and made us hot chocolate. I wonder, how do squirrels eat dry food without a sip of water? There they are gnawing on a pine cone- as if it were a cob of corn

The people that were happy with their 401K’s and raising and praised Trump, did not bother to understand where this increase came from and how it came about. Trump had the audacity to say, that the decrease in the stock market is because there was a cushion. A cushion…. He said last November that if he is not re-elected the stock market would go down. He has inflated all our assets and profits — only we will learn the damage when he is gone.

I am angry that I cannot go to funerals of my friends an dear family because of this virus. Loved ones that have lived a full life and deserve our hearted send off- we cannot attend their last rights in life.

I miss my dad. I have not been able to see him for a month. I am very considerate during flu season – for the residents, staff and myself. I don’t know when I can go again.

I was always a nervous eater As a young lady- I ate four to five meals per seating. I just ate nervously. It did catch up with me as I passed my teens. I have been on numerous diets I have gone up and down ten to 15 pounds over my life. Being thin and lithe is a dream I almost never obtain.

I remember taking my skateboard at age 12 from Holiday Park Community, down Conneticuit Avenue to Wheaton McDonalds I am sure the route is at least 2 miles. I would buy with my baby sitting money I could keep. (mother took most of it for my own personal items, such as soap and shampoo and later

on, you know Women’s personals) I would buy 3 hamburgers, 1 fries and chocolate milkshake. I did this at least twice a week and came home and ate dinner also.

Email to my neighbor this am

Happy Monday-

It was good to see you yesterday, as brief as it was, and also that you were not close enough for me (Because I did not have my glasses on!)

I could not get a handle on how I have been feeling, and I realize it is what everyone is- Confined – without an end date. I knew that getting out was going to be a bit rocky for me, because I was not physically used to the hours – full time. The trip to California gave me an added boost- But this, quarantine is relentless – I am mortified to leave the apartment —

Email to my neighbor this am

Happy Monday-

It was good to see you yesterday, as brief as it was, and also that you were not close enough for me (Because I did not have my glasses on!)

Anyway- I compartmentalized the education I have received working with Sun West and system applications, and going backwards today, so that I can walk through the steps again and really get it down. It has been two months I started work, with a holiday in between- and this. I think once I absorb everything I learned so far, I will have a better take on the day.

WoW! We are tormented by this and then to have to hear the orange prick lie daily is obscene. He deliberately spoke on air when he knew Joe BIden was having an open – webinar ish run speech—- It is too much and maybe, just maybe, the public will come around in the long run- and vote him out.

Les

If I knew now what I did not know then, I would not have felt I was too heavy I would not have thought my nose as too flat. I would have been happier with my hair I would have accepted myself for who I am. I would have flattered myself for hard work.

I wasted so much time being ashamed of my features that I tormented myself – I never gave myself the opportunity to get to know myself and grow. I know there are generational issues… mine versus my nephews,,,, versus my great nephews… versus my parents…. Versus my grandparents.

I just wish I had a more positive feeling about myself. This never leaves —

I woke up this morning, and it was dark- We are in August – it is 6 am, but it is dark. Did I sleep through August. My dreams were dark. A few people I dearly loved were in my dream. That is the darkness. My father was in my dream. I woke up – briefly shaking my body strongly, knowing my father passed away 5 weeks ago. It is much too soon not to sob. He is gone-

It is dark,,, but a storm is in the air. The storm in my heart is loud and aggressive.

August isn’t particularly a favorite birthday month. When you are young school is closed. Most families go on vacation and many are leaving shortly for summer trip. At camp, you have a birthday….. I assume at the Country Clubs your birthday is a gala. For most of the summers my birthday has been hot and muggy. Even the pool where I went everyday was thinned of swimmers.

If you had a decent mother, birthdays were fun. Except mother, was not decent. Growing past high school, friends were the go to birthday celebrations.

Live your life as if you were on a video. That is what life is today. There is a video watching us from everywhere. Body cams, home video cams in neighborhoods. Videos around traffic lights and all around the streets and shopping strips- There isn’t much you can do without getting caught on video-

Happy Birthday to me….Happy Birthday to me…. Haaaappy Birthday …tooooo me- Is he still there? Not really. A smiling older man giggling a bit about me singing to a cake, a very small cake at that— not a clue! This was a signal. Hell there were so many signals, you just think, you hope… something would be triggered… a slight faint pat on the back… I was your first born. I stood straight on your hand- with such joy at 7 months! Our realities in life are the every day, simple tasks, onerous joys, lackluster thoughts…..

Now, we spot abandoned masks, instead of abandoned glove (s) of course, it is not winter yet. I am disillusioned and feel abandoned by my country- If I have to live with Four more years of Trump- I don’t believe I can stay normal. I have been cheated by dad dying of Covid. The last visit and first since 4 month was shattering. Watching my father, thin and taunt – looking young and relatively healty having a difficult time to breathe. I have watched my father wither away the last 8 years. It happens relatively slow. The exceptions I made for his change – topped on top of one another. Soon, there were so many changes to work around.

I am comfortable remembering the downfall of my dad.

The first thing I did when I moved into my own apartment was put my shoes on the kitchen counter! The freedom that I had made me ecstatic

The masks are everywhere. I like that I do not have to smell bad breath. I am so short, that is a big negative- I walked with my sweet dog Jackie this crisp beautiful morning in early September. I pulled my mask down and smelled a wonderful aroma of the world. Scattered flowers and trees emitting a sweet mixed scent of citrus and bark and everything nice!

I don’t want to freeze my body and wake up to a second life. I don’t think I would be at peace learning and participating in an entirely different type of life. We continue to advance through technology and …. I cannot fathom what 100 years from now will be. I would definitely be saying… the good old days!

Intellectually compassionate. It is an honor to believe that I am that. I have had a fabulous struggling life- making the day as positive as I am able.

If I stop worrying about my breath…. Bad breath. Please let me go—- I have always cared about my breath. I brush at least 20 times a day. When I am in the hospital I sneak a travel size toothpaste eto put in my mouth for my breath.

It is so difficult to watch someone you love spiral down- it is slow at first, and then it feels overnight they have become a shell of themself- part of you continue the march with them through their struggles… holding back the tears.

I have experienced a dentist (who said he was a dentist) but lied about his profession. I had good teeth and did not require cavities filled. I did however, accept one of the first Rembrandt kits to whiten my teeth!

I had an accountant who was working on my taxes , clearly I was in the bottom of the salary earners- with medical and charity work write-offs. Back then you could write off your time spent in hours for charity. He had a nervous breakdown during working on my taxes. I was harassed by IRS because I was late on filing — and it was a menacing time to obtain records about my accountant in the looney bin— and also holding my tax records hostage.

I have had an insurance agency take all my insurance premium payments for close to 8 months, only to learn that “She” did not pay my insurance premiums. The Motor Vehicle Administration suspended my license because I was driving without insurance. Or suspended the vehicle title- I don’t remember the specifics. I do remember that it was a big scary hastle. I went to the bank and requested all my cancelled checks. Back then in the 80’s banking was not “internet happy and accessible” I needed to file a number of reports- and finally after 60 days or so- this incident was behind me.

I have lost my check book during the early 90’s. I don’t think I knew anyone who did not carry their checkbook with them in their purse. There were wallets designed to hold our check books. My checkbook must have fallen out of my purse in early November.
It was only three days later that when I went to my ATM to withdraw some spending money- I was overdrawn????!!! Overdrawn by about $8000-

I am still in a faze from a crazy dream— somehow in my dream I was fighting the injustice of sports regulations in the school ages of 12-15 –

there’s more, but so wacky – I cannot even put to paper!

This is insane and frustrating. I bet the only way around this is to have a side agreement with your brother who takes 50% of your equity. What the hell else?

I had the most difficult time with my parents. Mother spent the family cushion — Left my father with nothing. I renovated the apartment so that If I needed to sell it – and not have a fire sale- (Mother refused any type of renovation or upgrading –)

or kill the neighborhood values- His placement was so difficult. The least expensive facility that would take him was $21,000 per month. The sale of the condo would not last more than – 14 months -but that cost did not include extras and medical incidentals. The deposits were always $5000 to try him in a facility that the “owners” said would be sufficient- Not! Year’s of placements, and money and crying. Stan as you know lives far away and was suffering quite a bit. I did not want to burden him. Dave- he is the cookie cutter as mother- No visits, no assistance, not one day to give me a break and take Dad out – or even give me a break. You would think that after a 12 hour surgery and hospitalized for 11 days he would offer something. When life hits a wall and you worry about your future and someone else that you desperately love- the silence of a dead road is deafening. IF my dad were to be put on medicaid care- where the hell would he go? What kind of facility would be able to accept medicaid- that was as nice as Arden Courts.

In the end, I figured out a way to supplement dad’s stay with $3-4000 (myself) a month, It took 18 months to receive the living grant from the Veterans Affairs, a medical grant (that was always up for debate) and dad’s retirement. I found Arden Courts- Baltimore that was $3000- month less than Montgomery County- Maryland.

I miss my father dearly. It breaks my heart that he stayed with the wretched Annette- begging her not to complain about us. Mother screaming at him to beat us- One hit or two- was enough because of my father’s strength. I did not go back to her grave until I buried dad. I took first class care of mother. I found a beautiful facility – I washed her clothes myself once a week and purchased an entire wardrobe of comfortable soft clothes. I furnished

Your parents, relatives, children, friends are gunned down while purchasing an item in the store, walking on the street, attending a concert… any activity- do you clap and cheer on the shooter, because it is their right to own assault weapons?

You darn right this is harsh—- but this is today … this is what some find the most legitimate ruling-

Written from my brother Stan!

Guht Yon-tiff Helene🙂

I could not gain access to your e-card for reasons unknown, but I sincerely appreciate your kind thoughts for me, and my siblings, during this Jewish holiday.

This pandemic has placed many a family in such solitude, seclusion even, where past Seder’s brought loving families, and perhaps even those often-at-odds with one another, altogether finally for this joyous family celebration.

Ours always seemed to be a Seinfeld episode according to my second wife, which I clearly identified with, ergo Mom complaining she was hungry in the middle of the Seder, telling everyone to hurry up and read from the Haggadah, and Dad always smiling in the background with the smallest hint of chortle.

I hope you’re doing well and looking forward to enjoying the Spring now that its here.

Best wishes. Fondly,

Stan

That is just the Sedar Plate! Following the service- each item represents what the Jews suffered. Matzo because they fled without letting bread rise- It is an interesting time in history- But we do say prayers that remember the health threats and dangers the Jews overcame. I really got a kick out of a “To Go” Sedar Plate Kit! Natch- I did order 10 lbs brisket (yummy) 2 lbs or roasted brussels – lb charoset- 4 lbs matzo ball soup- plus- It’s 2021- Freezer time!

I read from time to time….articles.. mostly in the “food section” of the Washington Post, sons and daughters wanted and trying to duplicate a dish or two of their mother. What would I want to duplicate? Matzo balls so hard you can use them on a baseball field (only because she would not let them cook properly or garlic steak that was more garlic than the tough brazen steak? Or soup or something that the pressure cooker would blow up in the kitchen?

But that’s where the similarity ends. The underlying causes of these two fears are very different, almost opposite. The fear of dogs (cynophobia) comes from the fear of being bitten. Fear of rabbis (rabbinophobia) comes from the fear of being inspired.

What happened to me last year? Dad passed away the day or two before Father’s Day and I did not know. It never crossed my mind that it was Father’s Day weekend. I never thought once, about Father’s Day weekend. That is what happens when we are so consumed by what is in front of us. Rightly and purposefully so we only see what is in front of us.

Answering a ridiculous comment- David texted me- could not remember when dad passed away, only father’s day weekend. I guess so, his kids disowned him. HE never took care of dad- he never did anything to support dad’s day or illness.

I am not angry. I don’t know your history ,but I took care of my parents the last ten years of their life. I took care of every detail- the last 4 only dad. I am offended that someone can forget the day their parent passed away- when it has not been a year. But,,, I was the one that took care – every second and fiber of my being and life, belonged to my parents I am allowed to feel a bit riffled that a sibling cannot remember the day that dad died. Or had to email me to ask me? I don’t do much on facebook but this is a big deal to me o

A dear elder man who loved Country music living a fun life of travel. He purchased new cadillacs and enjoyed life. A retired attorney he assisted his friends who needed legal advise. He was brilliant. I say was, because his funeral as Friday, in his hometown in Texas. At 82 years old he found out he needed to have one of his legs amputated. This is unfair to anyone, especially of that advanced age. He passed away of a heart attack a week later. I believe he is in a better place. Reviewing his health complications ahead of him.. he is in a better place.

Things that happen that make me smile!

A partnership of wealthy builders and investors built on the most valuable commercial land in Rockville, Maryland. Across the street from the Rockville Metro. One of the builders-investors son requires emotional support. This building rents 70% to young adults that have a medical issue. This building has a lovely back porch where the residents can have a friendly gathering. I love seeing those that walk several blocks to purchase a coffee with extra exercise. Those that have a dystrophy and physical limitations, exhibit none- I love seeing Father drop his son off that is disabled hugging him tight grinning the largest smile. His son is living on his own!

A pet rock is a better find for a companion than Annette!

Mother never allowed me the time to have the freedom to make friends – groups of friends in high school. I was not allowed to join clubs. If there were funds involved I could not pay. All of my money went to her. I had to pay for all my personals, incidentals, everything. I was tortured emotionally all through high school. This has effected me my entire life. I had a few friends in a group. We have not stayed touch like others. I did learn that a few of these girls had fractured home lives like myself. We never discussed it. The few basketball Friday night! Basketball games we went to was just a fun outing. A breakaway from hell, a night of freedom and unabashed growing. I don’t really think I found myself in those few nights, I knew that I wanted to feel like that when I was grown.

My Crimes- Put it in my obituary! A man who had the biggest Heist in Boston 52 years ago never caught, changed his name. Was on Americas most Wanted- confessed in his Obit!

I stand by this thought- I may not be alive when the truth becomes a movie, The Trump election was won in 2016 with the interference of Russia. Can we then, dismiss this Presidential Term? A fully disgraced person— will the blocks be put together to see the tax reductions for the rich—only aided a more powerful rich. NOT the rest of our citizens. The fall down financially from the Pandemic and Tax Cuts, were the culprit for our present inflation 2021? We have bounced back as of today Thanksgiving 2021 – like all matters that take a significant time to reboot- except the tax cuts for the wealthy- (We know they took these ahead of time… easy for them because they do NOT need to place aside money to pay taxes).

As long as I remember, my drivers license and car registration has been 4 Monroe Street –

When the rules changed for parking at Americana Centre- where parents lived since it was built. I think this started at the mid eighties. My father asked me to register my car here so he could continue to have his two parking spaces. No matter, what my circumstances were, my father counted on me to have my car and license registered here. Now I own the condo. Mu ownership has been two weeks.. but it feels good, to know that after 30 or some years- I am an official real estate tax payer of this residence! I had been doing this since 2011 when I officially moved to 4 Monroe Street to take care of my parents. It is funny to me that I have been so faithful— My dad… what a nut. He would park outside for everyone to see his car. He could have parked in the garage. I was registered here and could have been travelling- 365 days a year!

EMBELISHED HALF TRUTHS

My father continued his torture and abusive life with mother. A carbon copy of his life with the step fathers that mistreated him. Life often does not allow one to release the attacks of life you knew, even if you move 3000 miles away. Even if you separate yourself from the home life to serving in the Army. My father lost so much when he entered the loveless marriage – and asked for very little. This selfish -self absorbed – estatic when causing hate and despair- my father took this abuse. He was so used to it. Those years in the service must have been exciting for him. Must have been a little scary- must have been a bit lonely. To meet the cruel and selfish queen he thought he was marrying.. took him on a journey alone.

Memories are Blankets that Cover our Heart

Memories are joyous, painful

Do I have Saline or Silicone Implant? I don’t know. I have had so many changes – changes during caring for my dad. I remember every health issue about him. I remember his medication. I remember his everything. I don’t remember me. I am always so grogged and displaced about myself,

I had to re-share. Boy did we have fun! Meals out, meals in, walks, life with dad. He was slowly losing his memory- but he was always losing his memory, and twisting thoughts! It was funny. Yesterday, after walking my pup Jackie an hour… my face was frozen- and I missed coming back and touching my face to dad’s sitting on the couch saying “I love you dad” “Cold Leslie” (dad) – after a few times, he was on to me and started to run away from sitting on the couch! (But Dad– I woof you, I love you to pieces weices!} A devilish gesture…

I miss terribly.

December 14, 2021 – The Washington Post Page A7 A terrible devastation in Kentucky from the deadly tornado. An Amish Community mourns the loss of four of a single family. The Amish, live in their tight knit community without any of the “comforts” that most of us depend on. They live without electricity, automobiles——They adhere strictly to ideals of simplicity.

They are removed from “our-“my society” of television and world wide networks- The tornado devastated numerous lives in Kentucky. Sadly, the statement made from the father who lost h is wife, two of his children and a nephew. . His statement was “he believes his nephew, wife and two of their children had left a sinful world and were in a better place”.

I don’t remember how old I was – to be given the responsibility of calling the operator and asking for myself at my grandparents house- person to person! Yes, it was the 60’s and telephone calls must have been very expensive. We would visit Baltimore, or Baltimore would visit us. Baltimore was where my mothers relatives lived… her mother, father, and sisters and nieces and nephews. The drive was appromately a little over an hour back then.

When the “other” travelers arrived home they would call “collect” and ask for themselves.
This free communication allowed the others to know we-they made it safe. I remember vaguely making my first call to Bubbe’s and being a bit scared… but it went smoothly. I heard my grandmothers deep Russian-Jewish Accent saying “no she is not here” How many operators had this type of call? How many were made on Sunday afternoons?

Breaks my heart. Life is terribly difficult… we can discuss depression and the symptoms — it’s a step – but the emotional hardships often go undetected

A survivor sees this planet a little differently and have a greater appreciation for everything…. Dr. Paul Thesinger –

A punch in my gut. I visited both my cousins Linda and Susan this weekend in Towson, Md. They are in a PT-OT living facility while they heal from bad falls. They were the offsprings of My Aunt Bernice and Uncle Nat. Their life was full of love, hope and a massive amount of caring. Outstanding parenting. I loved to visit as a child just to feel the love and their abundance of freedom – the comfort of living through the day… breakfast…. Lunch… dinner. I as much younger to hang around with them for fun. I would cover myself with an imaginary blanket sopping in the heat of positive life.

My cousin said how did I become so normal. My Saturday visit was with Linda who pointed things of my upbringing and how mother was. Mean and hateful Hateful and mean. It was a short visit of 35 minutes. But Sunday with Susan who was the oldest and knew all the details reminded me how mother was spiteful and mean, selfish and horrid. Everyday I lived this — I lived in the world of hate and lies. Selfishness of her. I was constantly scared how she would torture my father. Everyday I absorbed the hate and did everything I knew how to escape in books, coloring and anything around me to share happy thoughts. Every day, I lived through this. I was tortured all my life with this background. I did not know how to carpentmentalize it. I did not know how to make it better in my memory. One cannot make their memories better….. I hid all this time… I have lived behind a shield I built for myself all my adult life. It breaks me… to know I was not saved. Back then in the 60’s 50’s no one saved you. No one came forward. The world was different. There weren’t places to go to speak. There was only me…holding in all of my pain …. Living through all my pain.
The memories are flooding and now alive –

NO SADDLE SHOES!!

I must have been in third grade- I have always felt older than I should. Mother made me have saddle shoes. No one was wearing these. I was a complete outcast. Even back then I felt like an outcast. It’s hard to feel right… when your mother is a monster. I spoke out about how I did not like the shoes. My father said that once they wear out, I can get the shoes I want. A few weeks later. I scraped the shoes against the sidewalk ledge. That will do it, it will make the shoes look worn. Did I think ahead. Of course not! The heels were barely worn. My father pointed that out. Here goes the black shoe cream and — shoes were good as new.

I believe that when people get older and speak out- cuss and become completely over the top – of what they held in when they were younger, parents…. They have elderly terretts!

A hero Anne Beaumanoir who passed away at 98= aiding and assisting Jews her entire life. Dr. Anne Beaumanoir- is a woman I look up to.

Desk in the Tash Can- Third Grade

Dad went to visit my elementary third grade meet the teacher- and could not find my desk!

I remember going to school that morning and the teacher would not let me sit next to Linda Steinberg. I was desperate to be her next door desk neighbor. I moved my desk from where I was next to her desk. I remember she had the desks in a U shape for learning. Fuzzy memory- I moved my desk down the row and adjusted appropriately. I was desperate to sit next to her. My father spoke to me when he came home about my desk. He said he even looked in the trash can. He gave me the respect your teacher. Back then in the late 1950- early 1960 ’s prejudice was rampant. He felt I took advantage of Mrs. Waters decision about my desk because she was black. It was not. I was desperate to be near a friend. So young, yet, tortured by a lying kiniving unloving home with mother.

A cancer diagnosis can evoke feelings of loneliness, fear and uncertainty. “ The hardest thing about Cancer is knowing you have it.” This was said by a 9 year old– How true-

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At the beginning of 1973, the last U.S. troops had just withdrawn from the Vietnam War.

A gallon of gas cost only 40 cents.

Women were *still* legally being denied the right to open a credit card in their own name.

And on January 22, 1973, the right to an abortion became the law of the land under landmark Supreme Court decision Roe v. Wade.

So much has changed since the year 1973 — and women have fought and

A thick , well made Tee Shirt – Pink – Survivor 2012 – I want to cut into rags! I was a survivor and it did not last. Instead I cut length shorter. I will wear it a few times- before it becomes rags.

Sleep With Confidence

He was not admitted to Hospice- this is a great thing, but

He left us for COVID

Is it a thoughless insult or an inspired hunch?

Do I, how can I, if I, would I, can’t I, live with forgiveness. Memories flood us good bad and indifferent, the percentage of good bad and indifferent should assist us in deciding

I am heartbroken too. Not a very knowledgeable Country Lover, I loved them both. They played in the new Atlanta Dome during the Superbowl- I know the impact of mental illness and there is no column or

Folder designed to fit the mold of mental illness. It is a desperate place to go and hard to come back

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Melissa- Chemo is the hardest pill to digest. The treatment that allows a road to recovery, also takes away our energy, qualify of life, deformation of the days events. Some people are unkind, thoughtless and rude. The sentimentality of feeling “normal” again is lost to a horrible chemical compound that strips you of things you never knew you needed or wanted. I will add you to my prayers that you are accepting this “medical cure” with grace and style. It is human nature to listen to ubsurd comments from strangers and be caught off guard

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I have been an empty shell seeing our world change and women’s rights disappear- the stringent rules that make no sense- if men were to loose their kahones for raping a person before found guilty- I dare say it is not fair but this would be an equal balance to what is becoming law in states- I fought years and years in the 70’s for women’s rights, and now I am an empty shell.

My generation—

I miss being touch feely. I miss making jokes that some could be mis-understood with this ethically political rigid bliders of a world that exists now. I miss the invites and perhaps the unwanted approaches – that were completely respectiable. I say, completely respectable. Because I knew how to handle myself. I knew how to say now, and yet still have a glass of cheer and smile. There was a strength inside of me – no nock sense of the ability to carry on and put a snide remark – an amplification of tawdy feelings – behind me and in the last five minutes. To become the last hour, to be yesterday. So on– it came and went.

This morning I am showered and ready to go to my doctor for the regular checking of choleslterol – I have not been watching this as carefully as I should hve. I have been enormously depressed. Depressed to the point where I cannot march back to happiness. The happiness I find at the bottom of my heart and soul. I am glossed with a thin layer of happiness. I eat out of nervousness- bit and more bits of chocolate pieces. Nuts-

I always like to start the summer 12 pounds overweight. NO Botox or Restlyn for 10 months, and Fear of Meeting People. Yes, how can one be self assured when they have a weight thickness (it shows in my face and everywhere) and wrinkles…..

What is the age cincher. Besides the wrinkles, fallen skin and wider waist? The fact that I am receiving AARP besides my father.

It was 10:15 am I heard the ruling-

DECEMBER 13, 1971 TO JUNE 24, 2022 (Roe V Wade)

It is a dark day- in America- Today at 10:15 am, 6-24-2022

(Re-affirmed in 1992)

The Court’s agreed to take the case of Roe V Wade. First sign this was going to be overturned.

Alito- and those voting Judges- let’s pray your family and friends will not need this Law–

I am numb… shouldn’t be – this was coming. The vote sent to Courts – the three judges who lied on their interviews- I can only pray that we send a big message to sign up and vote… let the elderly and the disabled get in line in front of you, when voting…. Women – except the zelots that believe babies should be born – but have no intention of helping or saving them when they become living breathing human beings on their own.

The Top Ten Most Unwanted List- That was my Dad on the nursing home circuit- NO one wanted him. He had a big X-NO by his name.

A pet rock is a better friend, companion than Annette. Annette—– when Nat King Cole was dying she bought a get well card and mailed it to him. That same time I begged my father to bring a cake home for Stanley’s 5^th Birthday. Annette wanted nothing to do with a celebration, or a Happy Birthday. I have so much hate stored in my body that I don’t know how to release it. My memories flood here and there- remembering all the horrible things mother did and did not do- being as she was a mother- the only mother I knew as a child.

It’s a big hastle with a tear at the end.

Message Line to Robert S

I have surgery on Thursday 9-8 for the removal of cancer on my skull. It will be ok. I have the best surgeons. Tomorrow at 11:30 to 2:30 I will be reviewing with surgeon. Just FYI

Answer from Robert S

Good Luck Leslie, what an intro- wow. We will be thinking of you.

CT SCAN – w and w/o contract

Oh please, don’t try to find a vein. I already told you that my veins hide- but the man who is a concentrating on everything but me. I was told to be there at 7:00 pm for this test. At this point, all the tests are immediately scheduled. Receiving message from Radiology at 2 :00 pm- I could come in anytime earlier! This is a much better schedule for the test. I got there at 3:55 pm. The man taking the test was not paying attention. He was scattered and should have called it a day before I came in. (Thankfully I was able to come in three hours earlier) He poked and jabbed at my arm- nothing worked. Thinking as I felt him starting to put the IV in ‘please, please don’t try this- please please don’t poke me “ too late- he stopped. I don’t think the IV was inserted- until I heard him leave the room mumbling. Thank you friendly nurse for coming to my aide.

9-1-22 letter to my Girlfriends of Penn Quarter

Good Morning-

Yesterday was to supposed to be my favorite day! Three and a half years, I waited for the final reconstruction. Fat Grafting – removal of skin above my thighs. I had all the skin removed from each thigh to make a flap flap for my right breast. I had 3 tries with skin removal that did not work.

A fluke – headaches – I do have them, but recently thought this was because I was cramming 32 hours of continuing education in and extending my mortgage license to North and South Dakota. I felt something was wrong. Laying down my left side of my head was sore. Three and a half weeks ago I went to the emergency room to find out. Why? I thought maybe this is an anerysm. I will get this taken care of before my fun long awaited surgery – planned on none the better – Labor Day Weekend!!!

Thursday September 8th I will be operated removing a cancerous tumor on my skull. The small piece of cancer that has flung to the front of my skull will have radiation after surgery. I have been through a whirlwind of tests – back and forth to Georgetown Hospital. The visits are so close together…. This reminds me of February 2006. The surgeries I have had since, I had been prepared for – and the regular testing. I have always had the best surgeons- This surgeon is Dr. John Lynes a neurologist oncologist- He explained yesterday that he was going to cut around a five inch hole on my left side and hopefully will be able to remove all of the tumor that he saw on the scans… and then fill it up with titanium. He showed the scans to me. Seeing this put me in a quiet shock.

Of course- I cracked a few jokes- nothing terribly funny but it is how I cope. Except this morning- this is too dark and I am terrified.

Damnit, why. I have been working out regularly -eat healthy and good sleep. The pre-op tests I took for the reconstruction were positive. Let’s say besides having cancer I am very healthy. I have been living with Metastic Breast Cancer for over 4 years now (a small piece was removed from my left arm – in Dr Office) and taking Ibrance – chemo pills.

I was contacted by one of the largest lenders in US asking me to interview about 4 months ago. I was offered the job immediately. I did not sign the contract because I needed to work on my loan pipleline and purchases. They advised me to reach out afterwards. My intention was to start in fall. They have the best rates to offer, their loan program system is outstanding, the compensation is terrific, and I would get 20 leads at least – fresh leads from people calling in a week. They are large supporters of our sports teams.

This was what I was looking forward to, wearing a bathing suit again and working for an outstanding company. Sun West Company Inc. is great too. They will be 42 years old tomorrow and offer all the programs, especially today they offer “out of the box- programs for self employed”. I receive referrals from my bosses, and I also work for the Vice President – but it is time to move…. (**better rates** more sophisticated underwriting and approval”) Much more business!! (of course, they have no idea I was making a change)

I sent an email to my future immediate manager and informed him succinctly as I could – I had a long waited re-construction scheduled for August 31st – Labor Day Weekend was cancelled. I was recently diagnosed with Cancer again. He sent this to the executive director who wrote me back and offered prayers and her personal phone number. It included the warmest message I have ever received from a stranger. I see that they will want me to come on board when this healing is behind me. (I did insert in my explanation that when the surgery and recommended treatments are finished, I will reach out again- understanding if the position is not available.

I have 8th row seats to Hamilton in three weeks, and other events at Country Clubs- few Grand Openings – for September. Covid is behind us, people are getting out and I planned to bask in the fun of schmoozing!

I guess I should be grateful that I discovered all of this before it was too late. Thank you reconstruction almost surgery! I still have employment with a group of great people that are considerate and caring. They will pitch in if necessary. I have done the same with my colleagues. I don’t anticipate loosing many days of work. It just is not the time to make a major move and learn an entire new system yet.

I am terrified—– very very terrified—-

Best, Love, Hugs, Les

Forget my memoirs~! Let’s talk about my dreams!~

Hi-

I will be ok! Just afraid, angry and filled with disbelief. I hope that I am healed enough in a week and half to attend the Country Club events and Hamilton! You are a good soul and have a big generous heart. I appreciate your offer to hold my hand. I work for Sun West now and ‘mums the word’ about my offer with a huge financial institution. I feel cheated of sorts that this new cancer development is robbing me of time again.

Big Hug,

I am relieved that this cancerous tumor on my skull is now and absent mother. When I had the double mastectomy- finally after 4 days in IC and then to a regular hospital bed- my father brought my mother and she did not care to see me, she wanted to go to the cafeteria at Sibley. She spoke to my nurse about her surgery which had been 40 years ago. If she was alive she would only speak about herself and probably take a CT scan to prove she is fine.

After my mastectomy, mother did not call me , send a card, any kind of acknowledgement of my disease. She did however take a mammogram just in case, she might have breast cancer.

David says he wants to be there for me . What does that mean?

If it was not for my reconstruction surgery on August 31, 2022 I would not have know about my tumor! I had all the signs, of mild headaches, and for months- maybe 8 months eating Tylenol. When I purchased the last box of Tylenol a few days ago, I realized how many times – I purchased Tylenol. 2 for 1- extra large size. Always on sale!! Natch.

But I felt my left head being sore about a month previously when I laid on my pillow and thought after week – I better check this out. It could be an anoryism and this will be a big interference with my reconstruction surgery. I have waited 3.5 years – tad more!
I took myself to Shady Grove Hospital and after 7 hours and a scan- there was a metastatic growth on my skull. Many specialized tests – scans, MRI, CT scan with and without contract lastly. The “Tumor” cancerous Tumor was quite visible. I even saw it. Kreeepy, Creepy, uccch My excitement for my reconstruction surgery was prominent on my schedule and number one- and it saved me.

Here I am in debt- what I have been avoiding now for over 2 years. Asking for money owed to me… and still waiting. This is a big f….. in my life. I guess the accounts of Dad will have to be reasoned with at a lower payoff fee. I have been dutifully been making payments for 2 years since he passed way and paid a good 1/3 toward the balances. My Miata can be sold and take care of that.

All these headaches- Gosh they were because of a damn tumor. Not from Work~~ Go figure- I had given my profession et al a bad wrap!

I feel weak- before my surgery- I better have some bacon!!!

Happy Saturday- Good Morning- Post Schmost!

There is something very poignant about this weekend – tomorrow – It is Rosh Hashanah. I am always happy when our New Year Arrives- I attend services, these past few years, on line- -and read a few wonderful Rosh Hashanah Stories. In the evening I eat an apple with Honey to bring in the year. Dad and I always celebrated Rosh Hashanah (and then Yom Kippur 10 days later) ever since I can remember- maybe since late 1970’s I make my own personal resolutions, but on Rosh Hashanah they are all categories I want to improve in myself.

I felt that I had a step forward for the next year – Which is tomorrow Sept 25th – adding to my own personal accomplishments. Sewn into the threads of my day to day and complications of financing with my brother Dave- I completed the financial breakdown (for Dad’s care) to put the lid on all his—- wants! Claudia, I even completed 25 hours of Continued Education adding North and South Carolina Licenses to my resume. I felt so accomplished. Cherry on the top- Dr. Song scheduled me for reconstruction surgery which I have been waiting close to 4 years! August 31st, – Labor Day Weekend, I would have those pesky items on my body closes to normal as possible! I started my post pandemic time – scheduling activities, meet and greets, plays, openings, discussions, marketing- for September 2022-

I had great feelings- about my year- knowing there were many modifications and upgrades I needed to add in my New Years Resolutions! Even little Jackie was stronger and partially trained from her time at Dogcademy that she started 10 months ago! She broke the mold of her meak little self to a strong and healthy pup! I felt so good! Yes, there are so many things that I needed to address and improve, but post covid and post Dad I felt progress and a strength of the day – I was so ready for my New Year’s Eve!

It has been a whirlwind leaning that in the three weeks I would be pushed to surgery to remove a cancerous tumor on my skull. I have been terrified. I was rushed to the surgical table so quickly that I dispelled my former wishes to not fix any more major cancer were it to occur.

I learned last week that the tumor that was removed was a portion of the metastatic breast cancer I have had for over 5 years now- mostly am aggressive different type of cancer that even the medical books do not know much about. Nor other Surgeons or Cancer specialists. Yesterday I had my stitches and staples removed. I was extremely ill for 5 days – following only medical orders. This was an area that I did not dare rish an infection. Other surgeries I had a few infections and even spent 14 days in infections disease -at Georgetown Hospital. Friday I learned from my oncologist that when I speak to Dr. John Lynes there are concerns that will require another surgery. I will be taking a full body CT Scan Monday and learn if there are other areas showing of cancer. I will have surgery to remove the cancer that is on the front of my skull – and go from there.

It is sweet and sour when I see all my accomplishments I made this past year, and now starting for my new year. I just don’t understand why this “ditch” is in my way for immediate success.

Staying positive is extremely difficult. I miss working out. I cannot work out with weights over 10 pounds now until – who knows. My sanctuary for my own body success is taken away from me too.

On top of all this, business is slowed … and rates are now 6.5%- I must stay where I am until I know that I have the treatment plans behind me.

This is the first Rosh Hashanah I did not order specialty dishes –

I have to wait now until after Monday to learn what the next plans for me medically-

We save cards- precious notes that picked us up- made us smile- cheered us when we thought we were lonely-

Then we save those cards- and years later- years later, we find … the wonderful card covering tightly the precious note. The note that helped us throughout the day we received the note- …. But it is 25 years later- the card has more meaning than initially…

The person who saved us with beautiful words and helped us get through some tough times is absent – never to come back into our lives physically. We feel their presence around us always- “the invisible hug”

I wonder what the United States looks like to you from over the seas? It is a complete puzzle to me how difficult it is to find and try illegal acts- and outright obstructions of justice.
I wonder what the United States looks like to you from over the seas? It is a complete puzzle to me how difficult it is to find and try illegal acts- and outright obstructions of justice.

Since we last shared a spirit I have grown in ways I never believed could be realistic! I still have my strong views of democracy, bad manners, illegal acts, devious prompting, and all and out rudeness! What can I say– I have melowed.

Craniactomy/Cranioplasty-

My belief in Judiasm and God is strong and always has been. As a child I would walk 3.5 miles to and from Temple Emanual to sing in the Junior Choir every Saturday Morning- and more. August 28th I was diagnosed with a cancer on my left skull- Sept 8, surgically removed was a 5.5 inch ” unknown cancer” – to the medical field. I have a smaller cancer on the front of my skull that will be removed Oct 3. The High Holidays have guided me through this incredibly terrified time in my life. Those that know me know I have been suffering from cancer surgeries since 1996. I have had 16 major surgeries- and healed! My neurologist said that we all have a foundation within us that never leaves. I spent numerous years in my 20’s to 40’s running 4-6 miles daily, training for triathelons, and ran 2 marathons. He said that foundation is always there within us. My strong belief in Judiasm and God is always there. I post this because I know that we all have our religious faiths and our own foundations we formed in our younger selves, or even practiced in our older selves.

There is a Hebrew word Chazak=my go to word today

“To Be Strong”

When do I take my life, today, tomorrow next week.

I love when I see Lettuce Entertain You when I had mother create a flying carpet with a carrot – raddish, celery tomatoe. Potatoe in 1988 for a company I went to the patent office every day for a week looking for Lettuce Entertain You. It’s the money and the prestige that makes the world leave me behind. This was for my salad business for Dominoes Pizza in Laurel – cottage cheese and pear plus salad with all the great veggies and or soup.

my love in G-d is so strong and I know we all share g-d – it is helpul to know g-d is all around us and guiding and helping us Dad instilled in me at a tender age that we all have our stong belief in G-d and that is part of strongest childhood strength which we keep whichin our families to know we we are close and and full of love — ” a tamale- a bagel-” we are all of the the same family

I never thought I deserved anyone – a love that would make me shine, allow me to love them fully, enrich my soul, – I never believed I deserved this. When I started my journey for cancer surgeries, I added to this fear by being very sensitive to my own body disfigurement. I am so disturbed that I am unable to erase and start thinking better of myself. I need to take an hour a day to enjoy who I am, find out what I have in my spirit, start the road to accepting myself.

I miss Dad terribly. There was nothing I would not do for him. Taking care of him in difficult times without thinking twice about it. I put myself into grave debt paying for dad’s care- without a second thought- I would do it again. RIP Dad-

Oh Leslie I didn’t know that you were having these difficulties – (Helen)

Your health and well being is the most important thing

Is there anything I can do to be of assistance my dear?

You are first and foremost our friend.

Please don’t hesitate to call on me if I can do anything to make your life a little easier

What if any are next steps for you post surgery?

As for the ad and contract we will address when ever you want

I hope you’re feeling okay

Maybe we can catch up via phone when you’re up for it.

I thought (hopped this was all behind me)

I had a 5.5 inch tumor removed from my left skull. (9-8) It was a different type of unknown cancer – so the smaller tumor on the front of my skull was scheduled for surgery. The second (10-3) surgery they found a brain leak. The healing from that surgery was most painful.

Previously I had 16 surgeries with breast cancer, lymphomic and melanoma. I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer 5 years ago. I have kept the strength – and healed. My Skull- My brain- this is just too much for me not to have tears.

Since 1996 selfishly when I have been in a good place- Cancer has entered my life. No words.

I will learn more Friday when stitches are removed. The treatment plan then. I will not accept much- I am exhausted and tired this morning.

Thanks for kind words and understanding. I know time will be helpful for me to heal. It looks like I will be able to wear a wig in 4 weeks when my head is not so sore.

Big Hug, Best, Leslie

When I was little the Pillsbury Dough Boy was really doughy and fat! For the longest time. I must find those early commercials of the PDB- Sometime during the 90’s I think, I will have to investigate this he was slimmed down considerably NOW- He is one slim dough boy!

I have a very positive mindset- it often gets me into a pickle. I feel horrible – the side effects of major surgery, but I can’t keep up the effort to complain. My biggest problem was complaining. I did not do it well. It was not very becoming and…. With a mother who did nothing but- I needed to be different. How hard and difficult that is in the late 50’s and 60’s to live that façade.

When I pass my soul will join all the soul of all the children who were badly abused, The tortured dogs will surround us to accept comfort and love – warmth

I am the Aunt Ida of the generation – today. Aunt Ida whose life had so many heartaches, and unlucky years. Aunt Ida who I loved dearly, but spent very little time with her when I should have. I worked weekends, and I valued my days off during the week. I can’t remember if I had a car that even would travel far. My biggest error of my life, are the mistakes, all the mistakes and decisions I made. There were so many mistakes. I have been a slave to poverty. My poverty, which allowed me no spare expense to have a gracious weekend away. Plan a vacation – or even treat myself to a delicious meal of my choice. I have always counted on dates. This is no life. I knew it then and I feel the despair of my financial failures. It hits me always – I was not smart enough to be able to have credit lines. I was not smart enough to plan my future properly. I know I was not lazy, I just know I took the fun days and kept them close to me as memories of fun – something to keep me going.

Today, November 30, 2022 is the first day that I feel like Leslie- or I am breathing like Leslie. It started over the Thanksgiving long weekend. I cleaned corners, straightened and filled in …. Fearlessly paying attention to my home. I have not had this ambition since August. The back and forth to the hospital for the testings and discussions about cancer tumors on my skull.. Sucked all my energy – blocked any chuckle I would find around me. At least a full uninterrupted chuckle.

It takes a lot of energy to be myself again. Five hours later- I am exhausted- physically and mentally. Good thing I finished PT-

I finally drove after three months…. Since the removal of a brain tumor 5.5 inches on the left side of of my skull and 2 inches in the middle front of my skull. The 25 days leading up to the numerous tests and doctors visits and discussions were not easy. Let’s just say I strayed from my happy nature and became more morose by evenings end. My cute little red Miata with Sirius sound started and said Welcome Back Leslie! My car “Fiona” fits me like a glove. Running smoothly- and slowly. I drove very slowly. Verycarefully. Not that I don’t normally, but this test clip was most preciously safer. My short trip to the grocery store perhaps ¾ of a mile away scared me slightly. It was about 5”00 pm – where the hell did all these people come from. Why are they shopping?!

Return home- organizing my purse since I had purchased a few items with cash at the self- cashier (to get cash back- break a few $20’s) and a mega million ticket- I realize now that I took a long and lengthy time to organize myself in my car. Return home, I started to organize my purse. No Wallet? Where the hell was my wallet. I was not as committed to perfection as I had believed. Of course, I went back to my car and there on the seat was my wallet. This has never happened to me- never! What did I think going back to my car to locate my wallet? I cannot go to the Motor Vehicle Administration and submit a request for a replacement driver’s license. I just cannot take a picture with the scars on the front of my head. No Bangs- No updated highlighting since the middle of August. It was November 30^th. That 3.5 months of no updated highlights. As well included a bare top head with a scar. That was my fear! This was the most critical item – not replacing the two credit cards, insurance cards and My Landry’s card for the exclusive chains of restaurants they own and operate.

I believe most families of my era are malfunctioning on various levels, Back way back when 30’s 40’ 50’s 60’s -70’s compassion, family dynamics were not a topic of discussion- back then there was no ultra media as today in 2022. We lived silently in despair and disgrace. Most of our comedians were products of families in crisis – abused emotionally and physically

====

I had the most beautiful week walking down the University of Maryland Yellow Brick Road- and dad- He received numerous plaques, trophies, articles- Hall of Fames. His heart was always with the Terps and as a child – plus adult I relish our memories of basketball games, football games, Award Receptions, for both Women and Men. Walking the halls and Dorms reminising with his friends and memories. Ice Cream Stop at the famous Ice Cream made on Campus. Memoires are our encylopedia to life!

I am broken—I don’t know how to fix myself. I cannot understand why?

It’s called Targeted Therapy- That is how far we have come in the end of 2022 for a variety of cancers- I have targeted therapy for the two cancerous tumors removed from my skull.

After two delightful surgeries- I am slightly baldish which is very unflattering!

An interview by Ari Melber with Dr. Jane Goodall she said her” mother was very supportive”. This is such a big step to achieve your youthful goals and dreams. She was asked what would be a big failure for her. She responded “Failure to live up to your values”

Why did I not want to take a shower for three of five days off- practically 3 days off really?

I had learned from my neurosurgeon that I should take a shower – wash my hair everyday. I will heal quicker. That is what I did. I wash my hair – must be a shower combo everyday. No matter how sore I was, or how it hurt… I did it. I wanted to heal – I had been living for 3 months and missed a full hair washing- shower only 3 times. So, this year , Thur, Fri, and Sat I wanted to be a sweaty mess and not get into the shower and was my hair. This was how I wanted to treat myself only… for vacation. As this lasts only a short few minutes on Sunday… I am showered, fresh and my hair looks miserably chopped on the top and lifeless around my head. Only baby shampoo on a head of kinky curly Jewish Hair- No highlights to brighten my face-

My oncologist is brilliant. Dr. Ginsberg gas been my doctor for over 18 years. I initially went to her for colds. When I had the double mastectomy, she was on the list recommended for Chemo – But… One year before I did have a mamogram – found to be normal. (**I found the paperwork 4 years ago – ) I could not think stright about this because of the dramatic surgery – I did know I took a mamorgam. 2005 while I was having my left knee replaced I was on strong meds, but accidently thought I felt a lump?!~ I called the Specialist in end November because I had to go back in September to have my knee re-bent- I Just could not get the range of motion going.

The office wanted to schedule me in end of March. But also said since I found a lump- or thought I found a lump they scheduled me for end or middle of January- That visit was hours- and half dozen experts came into my room- I remember seeing the tissues and then realizing they were for just this moment. It was obvious that I had cancer. What they saw was that I was riddled with cancer- After January – I had more tests and an immediate appointment with a recommended Surgeon. The surgery scheduled with two very expert doctors March 15th. I just remember most that when I was at the state of knowing I had cancer- the doctors called me back the same day- about something. Claudia, I also remember that when I took the mamogram the nurse asked me if I had had a surgery around my right breast. I said yes, I had Melanoma removed in November 1996- That was a big surgery- I was hositalized for at least 4 days. I should have followed up that question, with another expert testing facility.

So- Dr. Ginsberg asked me a month ago, to take a Genome Blood Test ** she is very well connected. She said that the test costs thousands of dollars but the Facility said they would only charge me up to $100.00 I took the blood tests. After that week, I went for the follow up MRI w/ contract -etc. Two and half weeks later I had an appointment with the Surgeon, and found out that I had 5 small spots that indicated the cancer spread. Dr. Lynnes said at my appointment he would speak to Dr. Ginsberg and discuss treatment plans. I did not need or would he perform surgery on these small spots. Later that afternoon, Dr. Lynnes left me a detailed message that Dr. Ginsberg had results from the Blood Genome Test and wanted to see to call her. Dr. Ginsburg called during the message and scheduled me to see her the next morning. (Friday) She had the results emailed to her- enough for her to learn the results- and I have 2 mutations that attract the breast cancer. The tumor on my skull was 3% breast cancer ends and 97% cancer – no one has seen –

I would start Picray medication and continue with the shots she prescribed two weeks before which is Fluvesant 250 Mg- one shot each tush- I would also consult with a radiation oncologist to see what thoughts they had for radiation. SO- thus far, I have had two scheduled shots and my Pikray medication started 12 days ago. I am having pretty severe side effects- I hope they go away. Muscle crampness – etc. I finally met with the Radiation Oncologist – 3 weeks later which was this past Friday.

I did not know that inside I wanted to have radiation to kill these tiny growths. The Doctor – said that normally if my brain was involved they would probably recommend 5 days of spot radiation. But due to the locations on the skull, size and treatment plan I have now. I will—- see how I am in 3 months. OTHERWISE- If I have any

issues I should immediately let everyone know.

This is frustrating to me only after Friday’s visit. Deep down inside must have counted on getting radiation to kill those small cancer growths. I know that the Pikray medication is stopping the growth of the breast cancer cells-

I have been down because I am not doing anything additional to treat them but that is a feeling that just happened this Friday.

I’m living in my dreams and when I wake up I am dreaming!

I read my horoscope every morning. From the Washington Post which has been delivered to my house in October 1971 when I found a permanent place to reside. It is silly, but for some reason, I need to reed that horoscope. I notice it coincides with the Moon. Or at least some creepy people out there without smiles and rudely walking ahead of old women in the rain.

I’VE LOST 18 POUNDS AND NOW LOOK LIKE David Bowie when he first came on stage.

I posted this March 18, 2023

This thing we are all a part of, it’s living history. Our children are all a part of this, and it will be talked about for generations to come. Schools are closed; sports are cancelled; people are quarantined… on a GLOBAL level. The best thing your children can do is to keep a journal over the next 5+ weeks. Handwritten, typed, in photographs or drawings… record events, day to day activities, fears and feelings. Let them make a video journal if that’s the media they prefer. As parents, let them interview you, be a part of it. When it’s all over, save it and store in a safe place for them. They will share this with their children and grandchildren. Help them create a tangible, primary source of their own history.

Yesterday was a freebie! I ate a bit in the morning and early afternoon. I was fine- actually felt stronger- and it was my second day lifting a few weight machines at the gym. Granted the legs and the arms were the machines.. But these prove very successful for me.

At least they did prior to my surgery in September.

This morning- mid night I was so ill… The symptoms of food not staying through me. This is 10 hours later. There is no limit to what my body will endure. I am desperate to know if I should continue this grueling system of medication, if I cannot live without major side effects.

For the very first time in my life, I understand and feel what I have heard from people, friends, neighbors, strangers, speakers – some I will never think of again twice. The suggestion that they don’t want to get out of bed – stay in bed and never get out. I understand this so clearly now. Not getting out of bed. Silences the world around us. Protecting us against the “thing” we do not want to consider, think of, worry about, or make us fearful enough to cry.

I remember as a youth,,, maybe 20’s my father said something was a hastle. It amused me and still does that he was so with the times!

When dad said to have someone send the message to my e-box! That is a classic!

I learned through a televisit. I had already taken the assigned Lab Reports a few days before.. I have been seeing my medical Doctor for 34 years. He has watched over me during my major cancer surgeries. He has tended to the infections I incurred. This was helpful. My surgeries occur at Georgetown Hospital in Washington, DC. My General Doctor whom is a genius, and ahead of his time technology- always been filled in for the hours, days weeks to be seen at the Hospital for infections. I have lived through the side effects bravely and daily. The extra finding after 3 months was hyperglyocemia- High levels of blood sugar. Highest level of blood sugar tightroping on the line of diabetes. I have never had this health scare. I slept for 2.5 days. This is my blanket of love my bed of comfort and my own space for healing.

Life sometimes and always becomes more complicated the older we get. There are lessons we learned that are behind us and keep us somewhat stable, and yet, there are years ahead of us that is unknown. Fresh, Scary, and open for everything we can do!~

There is always something to view to see to participate and to have a front row seat! This morning was a front row seat to this! Post office was open sparingly with staff, and two older neatly dressed women were in front of me (*No one else was at post office – staff scurring in the back of the room). They may have been at least 10- years older than me. Personally they looked 20- to 25 years older than me! They asked the postman – do you speak Spanish. He responded I have some Spanish but not …. And then for the next 5 minutes, he grabbed the Passport Form and explained in detail the directions to follow and all the items required for them to file for a Passport. They left and he ran behind the counter to assist me. I was astounded! My friend, I said, that is more than a smattering of Spanish! WoW. Well done. I remember when I was a Courtroom Clerk I was explaining the best I could in Spanish to a family they were not in the correct building. The Judge heard me. I was clerking the Courtroom and – moments later I asked everyone to Rise – start the Court Dockett. When a Spanish only speaking defendant was there without an interpreter, the Judge asked me to explain to him he was charged with Article 27 section – blah blah blah of the penal code – blah yadda yadda- How does he plea! I was stumped, Dumbounded. My Spanish was not even considered conversational nonetheless citing legalities. Composed of course I said “El Juez dice que” and after a few breaths, claimed to his honor I was not able to complete this request for Spanish Translation. I will request an interpreter. It was a charge that we would be able to request a new court date. There were no bond issues with the charge.

A factual discrepancy is the same as a lie. Lie- How often can we detect a lie? If we have any sense -if we consider ourselves to be decent honest human beings- we can detect a lie!

My biggest competition in life is cancer. I would have jumped in front of a car this morning on my walk to the metro to see the radiation oncologist. I thought better of it in a snap of a second. Why ruin the drivers life.

Making Peace with my regrets. There are numerous actions that I am ashamed of myself. I am embarrassed that I even believed to think that the actions were warranted. Indeed, I was drinking a bit too much during a cocktail event– These do not mix when the suppression of your life is large and looming. For me the cancer- the poordom- the living last paycheck to hopefully next paycheck.

I will never forgive myself for not being centered and delivering inproper remarks-

Why does everyone have to be practically naked – for style? Clothes are so much more appealing. The see thru dressing is boring. Nothing to the imagination except a fantastic body? It is too much for me to see only skin, and not magnificent fabric and shaping -drapping cloths.

The abrupt change… in health. Not worrying that there would be a bathroom farther away than a two minute walk. The run for less than two minutes to the louvre! 15 weeks =3/5 months – 122 days spending the day concerned where is that bathroom! In the sphere of understanding the withdurance of the pitfalls of the day- it was for the cure of cancer. The stop of the growths of cancer. The end of the aggressive cancer. One is not enamoured with the upcoming day or eating- sustaining a smile. Throwing out a deep unquestionable laugh.

A regalia of a normal day with the normal functions known almost a half a year previously.

Human Beings, People, IQ- Is this an area that I am proficient at? It is impossible to know what the background of anyone whom we meet. It is therapeutic to hear a story that anyone will share with us. Minus filthy language or blinders on thinking outside the box ( at least for me)

Carl M Freeman Companies built The Americana Centre- It was a process he started long before 1970

My parents Garry and Annette Garber purchased the condo in building 4 prior to completed construction. Carl M Freeman was a family friend and the builder of their home in Potomac. They were to become empty nesters. The price was within their comfortable zone. They initially had to rent a furnished apartment for close to a year in Rockville before their condo was ready. My brothers and I were the recipients of the furniture and odds and ends of their Potomac home. They were starting over!

My father worked for the Federal Government and ruled the streets of the District of Columbia. His friends knew the growth and potential of Rockville This was the perfect home for them. The transportation was steady for mother to take Art Classes at Montgomery County College.

Rockville Mall was supposed to have a Landsburgh’s and many many plans. These were never solidified. Eventually the Rockville Mall housed the County Offices. The basement floor was renovated to hold important and sacred documents. (Oh when the Paper Trail was Alive and Booming!)

They travelled all over the world. Individually, sometimes together. Their travels were extensive. My father went to California for the entire month of December to visit his large

family every year. My father always treated “The Americana Centre” as if it were the Watergate! His stationery had his name and “The Americana Centre” etc. Going through some invites, cards and letters to my father, I saw a note from Hymie Perlo and Abe Pollin (dear friends of Dad) and hand written was “what the hell is The Americana Centre?”

This community brought my father much joy and the ease of going to Downtown was swift and Easy. It still is! Live has cycles- close to the end of their lives, I moved in to care for them. I took the metro from Penn Quarter, Washington, to the Rockville Metro for over a year – to care for them. I always caught the very last metro going home. I moved in because it was the only decision that would make financial sense I would make. Elder Care is the most expensive portion of our lives.

I renovated the apartment while Dad was alive. This made him happy- something he had always wanted. Dementia took much of the joy of his memory. Honestly, dementia and alzheimer’s disease robbed him of his colorful approach to every day life and happiness.

I have the original brochures and documents from “The Americana Centre” I hope to provide this to the new owners –

When do we decide it is an important decision for us to let life last as long as we can endure the comfort. I always hear Quality of Life is important. It amazes me that often we believe we can take just one more day of discomfort to add months- years to our lives. I can say that now because after 8 months of the most rigorous health regime of surgeries, physical therapy to regain motion in of my left side. The 3.5 months of the hardest medication I will ever take. As long as I was close to the “leuvre” I could withstand the inhumanity of food going right through me. My anorexic devil on my shoulder was ecstatic that I lost 21 pounds. Actually, this is the only positive of the entire process. The medication did not work- cancer spread. I stopped in the end of the month. Today is 13^th day of no medication – I feel energized. I am clearly seeing more fun out of life as I had always. Indeed I always have made a decision to have a few laughs during this time. This does keep ourselves in tact for future laughs and smiles.

I had a very terse and unhappy childhood. I always wanted to be six again. The thereafter was a torture that still follows me in my life. I bit my nails to the core for years. Probably from age 9 to 14. The only thing that stopped me was a boy. I had a crush on a tall boy at my Junior High School. He was a tall strapping ladd. He commented on how tiny I was. Then… the dreaded put your hand up to mine. My small hand with the chewed nails. I was so embarrassed that it stopped me- that day… I never bit my nails after that. The torture of being harassed, embarrassed and unloved by mother never leaves me.

Mother’s Day has always been difficult for me. I think I felt this unease and resentment when I was at least 9 years old. Growing Older I could not find a mother’s day card that did not reference a great mother, bests friend, always there, the woman who should have a gold medal for being a mom. It was always so difficult to find the most generic card to send to my own mother. I did not even want to mail that. I did not want to attend the mothers day lunches at our favorite Chinese reataurant celebrating the mothers of my sweet nephews. I did not want to be around mother. I am haunted by her unlove and narcissistic attitude toward being a mother of our home. She would not cook clean or even give us a birthday. She was the curse of my life forever.

I hate my hair – so short frizzy and no noteworthy. I look like I should be selling Babkas on the corner, outside of the Hassidic Neighborhood Community. It is unfair, that at my ripe of of almost 70 I am living through several surgeries on my skull – tremendously painful and unrelentless painful medication.

Then the day comes, you have to change the batteries! Self honesty becomes much easier as the years creep up on you. The overview of your life’ is often an honest day of mundane activities to keep up with your own self- your own statute of yourself, your own made up image of what you want yourself to appear to be.

I am heartbroken and sick every time I hear of a child being abused savegyly abused. Why God why? Why do these tender innocent little people have to be abused? I cry often inwardly, because I am a stranger reading the autrocities of a small baby with broken ribs, femur and – more. No chance to live a life- of learning, laughing, playing and loving. SO many adults who cannot have children, would take these babies and provide them with the home they deserve. Why do you take them like this, why do you have them suffer like this, why? God Why?

8 shot of radiation. Target Radiation. Most of my bus ride and metro ride home *apparently the most important promise was made to me was to bring me home because I was on transportation only. It was so hard to walk and harder as I tried maybe I appeared to be a invalid walking in the nice weaher. But I went to sleep in my clothes and crawaled to through the hallway to the bathroom.. I was not scared- l did not want to fall on my head. I think it was clear by dragging and pulled myself up from the toiler. I will investigate this and come back with knowledge. I went back to sleep…. Not easy on my feet but I am up!

Daddy Daddy please don’’t leave me alone. I had been sick all day of school running a fever feeling sick, regurtigating and sick. But mother did not want to drive me to the hospital which was 2 miles away.. She wanted me to be sick. Dad finally came home and wrapped me me up in a blanket and put me in the back of his black Packard and ran into the hospital. The nurses a l dressed alike with hads and buttons carried me away on a stretcher and I screamed Daddy don’t leave me. I remember two big needs put in my leg to calm me down. It was done. MY appendeix almost burst- mother waited so long for this to happen. But Daddy was there and hugged and kissed me. A play bed was put In the adults room because there was no room. The sweetest girl checked on my all the night and kissed me and hugged me because I was going to be alright. I was so luckily she was there to brush my hair with her fingers and give me a slight hug. I never saw her again. I know she was around watching me- all the time. I think I was almost three. Mother kept records of me only DAVID. EXPLAINS WHY HE NOWS SO MUCH

Not having a mother that loves you chips at your love soul. It breaks possible relationships that would have made you happy.

I have had a number of lessons that I guess I would not have learned without some headaches. Innocent Wealth- I wish I had the option to say I had this. The bridge between my life and other bridges – are no different. They are all the same, taking me somewhere, in the hopes of a happy visit. I have dated and become friends with some influential acctioneers. Sadley, there were no marriage or full time relationships, day after day. I don’t even know if that was what I wanted quite frankly- but looking back I wonder.

———–]

It is so difficult not to chat and re-hash all the medical crap I have been- and personally I want to talk about it. I wish I had friends that could talk to me at 6:00am when my hours start. I wish —– I wish- I guess I am afraid and lonely!

This early moring I had a cry about dad. I missed hjm so much. WE shared so any thing, sports, grand openings, happy musical evengs. Free Tickets to plays, but mostly musicals. Street jams, and street food venders that I adomanetly disagreed to try one bite. I shared so much time with you. I share am imexplained sadness that I don’t have this time anymore.

I am so sorry Dad. I did not take your family in my heart and love and feel them. I would like to lie and say I was just a kid. I have been selfish and cornered by greed. I never knew what love was – all this time…. I am close to 70 years old – I did not know the true meaning of love. Not until this minute. I can’t take it back – the time has gone. Would I be different? I will never know because the time has past much to long ago. It’s a story .

Something in my life must change.

Note- Text to Tim: I saw your dad this weekend, He said you were concerned about public speaking. I know you told me that when I asked you about saying something at Nana’s Funeral. I hate it. All those big crowds for my events. But remember you know your stuff. You have the knowledge, Your great personality will come through easily with your experience and knowledge.

I want the Doctor who clearly cared about me and was a wholesome by the book doctor . I visitited him several times during my pregnancy. This was 1974- maybe the last few days of 1973. I had the most difficult pregnancy. I was also a party girl, taking medications that were unpreseribed, and partied just a bit too much. In the saddest of honestly, I was running close to 5 to 9 miles a day and did not have regular periods. I did not know I was pregnant. When the disclosure finally occurred this smart and brilliant physician knew a few items. (1) I was never regular with my periods., (2) I did play around with some drugs, quaaludes and speed (anything stronger scared the hell out of me) (3) the father of the baby was a full time addict allowable back then because he had a trust fund to grab what he needed.

The doctor after numerous tests (back then there was not the updated equipment that we have today in the year 2023, The baby had a missing arm, and other missing healthy growing baby limbs. I was hospitalized for 4 days and the baby left my body. If I believed in heaven and hell, that adoctor would be in heaven caring for all the babies that needed his hugs and loves.

————–

Why did I remember the truth? I have been living a lie for such a long time. It was not a deliberate lie. It was an embarrassment Holding on the secrets I had to hold for 16 years of my life at home. The unusal types of lies that were considered active and living laws. The type of law to preserve my own shell. That emptiness of the shell that was Leslie – who felt nothing. I was a looser and did not know how to dig myself out of this. It was not possible. I grew up in a small portion of a neighborhood that was considered the permimiter of the rich. Large homes filled with food events hired help and love surrounding their growth. They always knew what they were going to do. Yes, it was to follow a parent’s wish, or business, or something that their rich parents had them excel. Their change from high school to ahead was effortless. Emotionally I understand there were fears and tears- but tears and fears of change. Control, expenses and lifestyle was nost disburupted – just their practive of learning more about life and education. All this time I liked about my dreams because I was ashamed. I had always wanted to be a kindergarten teacher (it was 1970). I knew my grades would qualify for me. I stayed out of trouble. The only issue that took me to a paltry weak B was because mother insisted I take short hand and typing and anything connected to be a secretary. Her plan was easy, I was to be a secretary and be done with it. I was in the smartest class of school. The system put us in school sections of 30 that had similar aptutudes and learning skills. I kept up with the school work but beyond that the world was a blank,, a square. I only had a Camp Kaufmann to use as a vacation and twice father sent me to California to work with his sister and my cousins. Mostly farm work because Stockton was a very poor town. My family was of medium means. That was all that was medium. They were full of love and respect – caring and blankets of holding us during times of fear.

I knew I would be a teacher and I planned it. My cousin from mother’s family was a teacher in a poorer neighborhood in Baltimore City, and she complained aboud kids with outrageous apetitudes and abilities. I always knew I would be the teacher that would show the children of lesser financial communities, ways to learn , love and see the world with bright eyes that I would create. Of course always taking into consideration their caring and consideration for us to grow to be a loving and giving community. In my own particular life, I knew I was fighting every day to get through the day -albeit alone, scared and fear of letting those know who I was. An uneducation girl of the world around me, and lifeless day of working around the home, cleaning, until I was able to leave home to work and be away. Second class is ok when you know the rulers around you in your school class. Second class at home is not a barrier you can tear away and break away from.

I have an aching sense of unfairness. Or what a about making peace with my regrets? Does someone have a straight jacket they can lend me ? Can I get a clap? Don’t we all have these feelings or bad dreams that we don’t understand why we awake with fear and are shakin a bit?

I will not do any more surgeries or proceedures that will take my hair – or hurt me internally. My spirit is burnt.

There is a story – when you hear about an emotional truth that almost a stranger tells you, the facts stick to your ribs and holds a hole in your heart you did not even know existed. I must keep this person’s personal story because it is raw but also told to me in innocence. Pure unthoughtful innocence. My life is changed forever. Learning this portion of her life- seeking the inner strength she had- without even her knowledge.

A memory from August 1966. My bat mitzvah was so studied, and well planned. I learned the Haftorah from a record my father provided me a small record player in my room. I had a comprehensive mitzvah letter including acknowledgements of those that guided me so carefully to this momumental even in my life. It as for Bubbie and my father. Mother could not even sit on the Bema but Cantor Rabinsky convinced her. He was my cantor for 4 years for the Junior Choir I attended every Saturday. Even walking the three plus miles through snow and bad weather. Dad did pick me up several times. The girl I as being double bat mitzvah with was the daughter of the President of the Temple Emanuel. She was not clear with her Hebrew. She was just beautiful rich and lived in an estate that surrounded the other side of Temple Emanuel. We were between the antiques row and the rich Chevy Chase neighborhood – close close to the Columbia Country Club. I was a pauper- always knowing my clothes were decent. Thanks to my Aunt Bernice who gave me her daughters outgrown clothes. She and Uncle Nathan had the care, love and purchased the most beautiful with clothes textures that hugged your body.

Mother and I went Bat Mitzvah Shopping and I wanted to have a decent priced blue velour dress with white collar. It was moderately priced But the price was $15 more than she would pay for me. She had the money- she was making a trip to Europe in a few months for several months. I begged and did get the dress, and paid for it over 8 to 10 months out of my baby sitting accounts. I would not let my father know this because the arguments were more than I could handle. These arguments haunt me. To this day.

My sickly mother born 3-6-1930 should have died. She had several surgeries and breathing issues, back then the surgeon said they did all they can do. My Orthodox Grandmother stayed in the synagogue praying- praying by her bed for her to live. She had status, because she lived. She was a spoiled rotten ill educated non-caring person who did not bother with anyone’s feelings or thoughts. She idolized her father who could not read or write, and was a coin That was the largest position you could be born into in Orthodox Judiasm. He could not even pour himself a cup of coffee. Only a juice glass of whiskey in the morning. He was a tailor. My grandmother ran the grocery store in downtown Baltimore where the family lived above. During the depression He was not religious and only went to the movies during all the most religious movies and never participated in Friday Night Shabbat. Mother – the youngest of the three daughters followed his guide – She was not religious, she was not even close to feeling Jewish. She only maintained she was Jewish. She did not pray, she did not rest on the Sabbath, she did not fast, she did anything but practice our strict and rigid traditions. Those traditions were the beliefs of my grandmother and the life she practiced.

My father had to beg and encourage my mother to hold me to love me. She was indcapable of love She just could not do it. Dad loved me so much and always took care of me when I was sick,. My brothers when they were sick. He came home from work to do what was necessary. He picked up medications and brought little presents. Mother did absolutely nothing. Only call my father and complain.

Hi Marian-

You guys know how to have fun!

I wanted to send you this which is the yahrzeit for Grandmother, Chanita Garabito Arias. I was changed from mother to now me grandmother. As long as I live I will continue to contribute yearly for Grandmother and Dad. I added a special plaque for dad two years ago.

I have always respected my father’s privacy and gathered pieces of information from him and stories.

When B’Nai Israel built their new Congregation in the early 70’s my father installed plaques for my mother’s parents and of course his mom. He was very happy to be Jewish and took the religion very seriously. If it were not for him, I would not have gone to the synagogue for Hebrew School, Junior Chior, NFTY Group and services. Mother was not interested in being Jewish- a hypocrite who was under educated and not socially appropriate. It’s a shame my father stayed with her, but she always played the sick card. I learned from mothers family – Aunt’s and Cousins that she was always lied and was as a mean child. I am just happy my father created a life of sports, and programs he originated in the District of Columbia. His love to assist the under privledged and show the “gangs” a better way to think and live. Today, that would be very dangerous, I think.

I believe my father changed his name because he did not want the history of his father whom he was named for following him. It was a big cover-up between the Garabitos- I can’t imagine growing up poor and knowing and learning the unsavory and brutality his father Pete was.

My father was a good man, and he did live the life he wanted with his religion and his interests.

I had the greatest relationship with him and I miss him terribly.

Love, Leslie

p.s. I have cranial cancer since Sept 2022 – 2 surgeries, radiation, radical medication. I am not sure what my medical future is. I am buttoning up my affairs.

Am I ever going to have bangs again??!!!

Since this will come out of my estate.

When I pass I want a park bench with my name on it Leslie Garber “ordinary citizen” It will probably have to be installed in the seedy part of town, or unslightly unkept park.

The painful work out of those that are not well – healing or living with debilitating pain. It’s not fair to endure the pain of living with health conditions. These are the warriors – that live for a cure. Live to enjoy as much of life as they can. Live

Today I felt guilty that I had one complaint, of one small item, of one misplaced thought. Israel, Gazza, The Border- These people are suffering. I felt luxurious waking up in a bed, taking a shower, feeling safe in the safety of my building. Food to nibble on. Today I felt guilty that I had one complaint. I pray for everyone —-

Then it rose- the feeling within me that was stable and maybe sincere. I am going to die.. maybe sooner than I thought. I must be happy now. I must be open and fun. I must be almost careless for a young bright broad of 70.

—

Happy Birthday Dad! You showed me how to have fun, laugh and be happy. Right now you will be getting ready to go to the shul and sit in your seats with your Tallis and Yarmulke for services holding the prayer book upside down (because you could not read Hebrew). I miss you terribly and always will. I love you!

Garry Garber (olav ha-sholom) 9-16-1930 to 6-20-2020

Why am I afraid to Die:

It all started when mother gave birth to me. To this day- I am not sure whether she wanted to be a mother. She was must too shellfish to care for someone else. She was not around much around. Many of her chores were watching television and asking my father to go grocery shopping. Which was only blocks away.She was a cruel individual. I do not remember hugging me or even wanting to watch me learn critical toys for learning development. As I grew over, 15 months later my brother was born. He had all the love and attention that any child should have He was able to play and as he got older, join as many sports events that he could. I was able to do nothing. Clean the house, and clean the house. I did not want my friends to come over because I was embarrassed that I was unloved. I visited a few friends that were so gracious, Mom’s giving them- milk and cookies. Even lunch. I don’t ever remember mother making me lunch or breakfast

checks, fingerprints and credit worthiness. Companies will hire you if you have a half dozen or so loans to bring in and start the process!

Quarantined with my ex. Can life be anymore complicated and stressful. A thoughtful offer to stay at my apartment before he became homeless, and to last only a few months, now is over a year. He is an alcoholic. My agreement was that he needed to go to rehab – which took over 3 months to get going. I had to kick him out because he only drank 30 beers a day here at the apartment. And went out and finished offer another dozen, I am certain. He had nowhere to go, and I let him back in to anxiously wait another month and half for him to be admitted. 28 days of not drinking. That was all he had was 28 days of not drinking. 28 days in a total of 464 days thus far. A drinker and a liar, is more than I can bear or live with. My stomach is always in knots. He drinks and he lies. He is sloppy because of the drinking and performs tasks drunk. Very few tasks, because alcoholics are not performing beings. They are lazy and ill equipped to meet daily tasks.

And now, I am quarantined with this person that is taking advantage of me. No job, just drinking, lying and taking every bit of niceness and giving I possess.

He was never very kind to me or thoughtful. Leaving me in the lurch numerous times. Not being by my side when I was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. Only this time I was in intensive care for 5 days and an additional 5 days in the hospital. I was humiliated with the air of indifference. I am angry- angry that the President decided to call this coronavirus a hoax. Angry that the team that looks after the health and well being of our country and around the world were fired last year. Livid that we are not prepared to handle the cases of our people becoming sick. Insane with knots that the President is speaking negatively about those leaders asking for basic needs for our hospitals and care workers. Where is he getting his information from. He is making it up and actually lying to the public on behalf of his 1% overly rich friends. He has stock and interests in the companies he is assisting financially –that has only been his role. It is now that the stock buy backs from company CEO and Board Members were the result of the 25% tax cut. This clearly was a plan that Trump said was going back to the

Les

I just wish I had a more positive feeling about myself. This never leaves —

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Les

I just wish I had a more positive feeling about myself. This never leaves —

It is dark,,, but a storm is in the air. The storm in my heart is loud and aggressive.

Intellectually compassionate. It is an honor to believe that I am that. I have had a fabulous struggling life- making the day as positive as I am able.

I am still in a faze from a crazy dream— somehow in my dream I was fighting the injustice of sports regulations in the school ages of 12-15 –

there’s more, but so wacky – I cannot even put to paper!

This is insane and frustrating. I bet the only way around this is to have a side agreement with your brother who takes 50% of your equity. What the hell else?

I took first class care of mother. I found a beautiful facility – I washed her clothes myself once a week and purchased an entire wardrobe of comfortable soft clothes. I furnished her room with a large TV and the stations she wanted. I did her nails, pulled face hair and cleaned her station. David did not once offer to do anything. As long as it had wifi- he could stay there for a few hours while he was on his equipment. NEVER even cleaning her table or puffing her bed-

I know Harvey lives far away… but I feel he is much more amenable to assisting you. Stan is always there– offering even when he is squirming in pain.

Welcome to the offsprings of Assnette

WELCOME TO THE OFFSPRINGS OF ASSNETTE!

A year ago 3-11-2020 – we all lost. The pandemic was here- I no longer was able to visit dad. How did he survive- without my visits? He slowly died – Almost four months, he was trapped in the vortex of his healthcare worker’s caution. The lack of attention. In the mind of one who has dementia- binswanger’s disease , altzheimers time has no range.

Just an ordinary party broad struck with Cancer- ten years later- 1 year after a mammogram- with breast cancer.

I was frozen in shock. Breast cancer- I knew I had a mammogram which was taken two miles from the office I was working. I was unable to find any document about this medical test. Accidently it appeared in a pile 15 years later. Three types of Breast Cancer, lymphomic and cancer that comfortably spread around my upper torso. The shock is not at all easy to explain. There are no words when your life is cut- One day -one test- one finding will change my life forever- at the time. March 15^th I had a 12 hour surgery – relaxing in intensive care four days- completely stunned at the findings. Feeling blank-

I don’t understand all this hate. This is 2021- We should be tolerant and accepting of other human beings. My father was dirt poor–his Mexican family living by the railroad tracks in Stockton, California. His mom Chanita- My grandmother was left with 6 children to raise on her own after her husband, my grandfather passed away. Five boys slept in one bed. My mother was raised by a small surviving family that escaped Hitler and the Concentration Camps. My grandmother Bubbe was strictly kosher and kept all the Jewish Traditions. My mother was not allowed as a teenager to sun bathe on certain portions of Atlantic City because she was a Jew-

What is going on? That hate is generations ago—it must stop-

I am going to bring this down to the most elementary level that almost any person will understand and absorb (the consequences)

You have a parent, relative, child, friend that is frail of health- (even in a small line to vote) that needs water- wishing with clear mind to vote- Falls down and cracks their head from exhaustion and heat- do you smile because the law says- you cannot give that person water?

Where did I get that flat chest??!!

I was a researcher of geneology before it was a big thing? Or a big family gig.

Where did my flat chest come from? I went back to mother’s side, dad’s side, Bubbe-

Chanita_ and no where – or should I emphasize NO one was flat chested.

Why? Me? Why? Me! Now that I am able to obtain more familial information, perhaps I will post a comment-

All my life I have been afraid of being homeless. I had a few minor calls- but the answer was not completely homeless… not the lifestyle I knew I should have not thrown away.

I worry off and on… I won’t have a roof over my head… or I will be alone and not have a buddy to pull me up.

How scared my father must have been. That first night he was in a strange room, in a strange house. Why did I believe he would be alright. He would adjust and make friends, He would be busy and wonder around looking at …. What did I think? It was not good for him. It was horrible. He left the home he had known for over 40 years. Why did I do it?

Stand up for yourself—

Why do we have to hear of this and to learn that we were part or this socialtal hate. This was 50 years ago- was ,more. I was born August 16, 1953 and haterd surrounded my family. The hatred was mother and her ignorant father. A coin by bith and a rude unkept jew . Who would not wipe his off on is onsie and called black people Ni ers. An unedusrf toothless who drank 5 glasses of whiskein the morning (mind you cheap liquor Who went to the movies during high holidays while my grandmother “Bubbie prayed for him. She must have believed in all her heart she would keep Judiasm togher and the lord would feel differently.

I would like to stop crying yesterday or the evening or at any time There is always a way to find solace. But not me not me at all. Im the 60ths or late 50’s there was no one to help. No one to go to but child services and be locked up buy mother who scremed to have your father hit hit you. She scared me everyuay If I went to help I would be taken away from my baby brother who was one or two. My sweet doll Stanley. I Did not have to worry about the chosen child. David. HE as going to be a a doctor. NOHING he does inorrrect wrong or punisble. HE never had the wicked wrath and scare of mother. At three o’clocs Stanley put his underware in a bag and found room in a cold icebox.

As a smell freak, when I see a movie or a show – people waking up and kissing- I think BAD BREATH– Where is my romance? I dislike bad smells. Bad smells for me. I am terrified about my own body smells. I have had the opportunity to partake in smelling a lot of bad breath. It is based on my height. At 4 foot 10-1/2 (on a good day) I am in the direct range of a sniff.

The MASK

It stops the odor passing to me from picking up Jackie’s Poop

I do not have to smell bad breath-

It keeps me from wearing makeup

It keeps my face warm when necessary

I AM 50% MEXICAN, I AM 50% MEXICAN—

The dysfunctional family – webster identifies this as :

It was mother who refused to allow the children, me, to acknowledge and prosper with our heritage. It was a selfish, self absorbed, narcissistic 50% or less person- take away precious knowledge of who I am

Now that the Pandemic is almost behind us….. speed dating is on! What would happen if I signed up for speed dating.. The site shows young adults around 20’s to 40’s. Would that just be …incredibly funny!

Don’t worry Dave you will get your inheritance-

This will and has been your only worry since Mother passed away. Sadly at the gravesite of Dad- you were looking at selling the condo and displacing me. I learned from your email that you have been keeping as the bible – false and misleading facts about me since the seventies. I was in your corner, assisting you, and being a big sister. I baby sat, gladly your two beautiful sweet sons. I adored them from the moment we met, Our fun was limitless.

I invited you and your family to stay with me during major holidays… you always complained you had nothing to do. Now that I regress… I could have attended the biggest of parties on my own- instead of laying a foundation of family, love and enjoying the holidays.

Please don’t wake me up and let me sleep forever—-

Beautiful way to live, reflect back and understand the powerful knowledge your father had instilled… He lived outside a bubble – a prosperous spirit of mind. I am in awe and always have been of your talent to live life to it’s fullest and break barriers many would not have the courage – Great post, great man, great daughter

A pet rock is a better find for a companion than Annette!

My Crimes- Put it in my obituary! A man who had the biggest Heist in Boston 52 years ago never caught, changed his name. Was on Americas most Wanted- confessed in his Obit!

As long as I remember, my drivers license and car registration has been 4 Monroe Street –

EMBELISHED HALF TRUTHS

Memories are Blankets that Cover our Heart

Memories are joyous, painful

I miss terribly.

Breaks my heart. Life is terribly difficult… we can discuss depression and the symptoms — it’s a step – but the emotional hardships often go undetected

A survivor sees this planet a little differently and have a greater appreciation for everything…. Dr. Paul Thesinger –

NO SADDLE SHOES!!

I believe that when people get older and speak out- cuss and become completely over the top – of what they held in when they were younger, parents…. They have elderly terretts!

A hero Anne Beaumanoir who passed away at 98= aiding and assisting Jews her entire life. Dr. Anne Beaumanoir- is a woman I look up to.

Desk in the Tash Can- Third Grade

Dad went to visit my elementary third grade meet the teacher- and could not find my desk!

A cancer diagnosis can evoke feelings of loneliness, fear and uncertainty. “ The hardest thing about Cancer is knowing you have it.” This was said by a 9 year old– How true-

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At the beginning of 1973, the last U.S. troops had just withdrawn from the Vietnam War.

A gallon of gas cost only 40 cents.

Women were *still* legally being denied the right to open a credit card in their own name.

And on January 22, 1973, the right to an abortion became the law of the land under landmark Supreme Court decision Roe v. Wade.

So much has changed since the year 1973 — and women have fought and

Sleep With Confidence

He was not admitted to Hospice- this is a great thing, but

He left us for COVID

Is it a thoughless insult or an inspired hunch?

Do I, how can I, if I, would I, can’t I, live with forgiveness. Memories flood us good bad and indifferent, the percentage of good bad and indifferent should assist us in deciding

Folder designed to fit the mold of mental illness. It is a desperate place to go and hard to come back

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My generation—

What is the age cincher. Besides the wrinkles, fallen skin and wider waist? The fact that I am receiving AARP besides my father.

It was 10:15 am I heard the ruling-

DECEMBER 13, 1971 TO JUNE 24, 2022 (Roe V Wade)

It is a dark day- in America- Today at 10:15 am, 6-24-2022

(Re-affirmed in 1992)

The Court’s agreed to take the case of Roe V Wade. First sign this was going to be overturned.

Alito- and those voting Judges- let’s pray your family and friends will not need this Law–

The Top Ten Most Unwanted List- That was my Dad on the nursing home circuit- NO one wanted him. He had a big X-NO by his name.

It’s a big hastle with a tear at the end.

Message Line to Robert S

I have surgery on Thursday 9-8 for the removal of cancer on my skull. It will be ok. I have the best surgeons. Tomorrow at 11:30 to 2:30 I will be reviewing with surgeon. Just FYI

Answer from Robert S

Good Luck Leslie, what an intro- wow. We will be thinking of you.

CT SCAN – w and w/o contract

9-1-22 letter to my Girlfriends of Penn Quarter

Good Morning-

Of course- I cracked a few jokes- nothing terribly funny but it is how I cope. Except this morning- this is too dark and I am terrified.

I am terrified—– very very terrified—-

Best, Love, Hugs, Les

Forget my memoirs~! Let’s talk about my dreams!~

Hi-

Big Hug,

After my mastectomy, mother did not call me , send a card, any kind of acknowledgement of my disease. She did however take a mammogram just in case, she might have breast cancer.

David says he wants to be there for me . What does that mean?

I am terrified now. A five inch hole will be cut out of my left head and then tumor removed and filled with titanium. Will this extra weight allow me to crack my kneck like I usually do? This is an important question. I just made a hand revision to my will and crossed out David Garber and added James Womack. It was witnessed by Lee Wittenstein. I will ask him to come over and initial my cross out. I will text him later this morning. Here I am in debt- what I have been avoiding now for over 2 years. Asking for money owed to me… and still waiting. This is a big f….. in my life. I guess the accounts of Dad will have to be reasoned with at a lower payoff fee. I have been dutifully been making payments for 2 years since he passed way and paid a good 1/3 toward the balances. My

I feel weak- before my surgery- I better have some bacon!!!

Happy Saturday- Good Morning- Post Schmost!

I excelled this year! I started working out almost daily, and was starting to feel and show progress. After you left I added (and could) weights – up to 50 pounds and in about 10 weeks – I could see clothes fitting better and also my posture! Your in June opened my heart again to getting out and touching -my beautiful Washington, DC. I was so proud of my accomplisments. I had a decent work calendar – I had terrific clients, and … I had job offers – Great Job offers. I felt that I had a step forward for the next year – Which is tomorrow Sept 25th – adding to my own personal accomplishments. Sewn into the threads of my day to day and complications of financing with my brother Dave- I completed the financial breakdown (for Dad’s care) to put the lid on all his—- wants! Claudia, I even completed 25